I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
