just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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