I wish I could punch you in the face.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
