So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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