sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
