I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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