I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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