I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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