So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
