im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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