If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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