just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
operation have a gay friend backfired
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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