Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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