did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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