she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
