i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
