I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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