I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
