I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
