I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
