I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
