Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
