how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
