Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
