I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
