Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
