When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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