She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
