Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
