Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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