i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
