I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
