Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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