i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
