You can't special order awesome
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
