Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
