3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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