yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
