I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
