Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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