Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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