dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
