Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
