Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
found the other keg... it's in the tree
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
