anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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