oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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