Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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