If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is classic penis vs brain.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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