Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
