Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
